Reality Check

A friend of mine writes a blog (which may be linked here at some point, but not until I am confident in going forward with a friends-and-family-welcome blog...more on that later) and today she put up a post about life expectations that really has me thinking.

Her blog categorized how, as a fairly new mom, her life was so very different from what she (and anyone who knew her earlier in life) would have expected. As I read, I couldn't help but think that we are in almost the exact same position...only in reverse. When she was younger, she was driven and focused and determined to conquer the next big task to make the next big promotion to pad the next resume. Now? She is a stay-at-home mom whose goals revolve around very different things. Me? When I was younger, all I dreamed of was being a wife and a mom...now I find myself living for a job, mortgage of my own, car payments, and all the things I never imagined doing by myself.

The difference between us? She finds unbelievable joy in the turns her life has taken. Me? Not so much lately. I find myself fighting off anger, bitterness, and cynicism on a regular basis. I'm becoming someone I'm not proud of, and it needs to stop.

One of my favorite personal "isms" that I spout off when someone is complaining about something not going their way is, "You can complain about what isn't, but that doesn't change what is!" I truly believe that in my heart, that being negative is a useless emotion because complaining changes nothing about the reality of life - do something about it or be quiet about it. But I've lost sight of that in my own life, and have let the negative thoughts start drowning out the positive. My friend's blog today slammed that home for me. I do not want to be someone defined by disappointment over what is NOT...I want to be someone defined by the joy in what IS.

So the search begins...yes, for the joy again, but also for the courage to be real about the lack of it. If my friends and family were to read this - that I am, at the core, unhappy with my life - they would likely be shocked. I am a master at the show of happy. Ask me about my job and I will tell you amusing anecdotes of things that happened yesterday or highlight the perks of it...but I'll not tell you that more mornings than not it's a struggle for me to get out of bed knowing that work is where I'm ending up. Ask me about what I did this weekend and I will tell you that I had a very "relaxing" weekend of "getting things done around the house"...I'll leave out the fact that I spent Saturday night crying my way through a stupid chick flick because I'm alone and sad. Why? Because hearing that even depresses ME, and I don't want to be "THAT GIRL" at the party...the poor single girl...I'd rather put on the happy face. It also sounds incredibly SELFISH! People have enough of their own crap to deal with every day...they don't need my "poor me" story. I'm healthy. I have a good job. I have a beautiful home. I have a family that I love. There is nothing traumatic or disturbing about my life, past or present. So to complain because what I haven't isn't what I always wanted? Hard to pull that off without sounding like a whiny baby.

So the search is on. For joy, for courage, for people who will understand. Because I? Do not want to be someone defined by disappointment over what is NOT...I want to be someone defined by the joy in what IS.